I'm going straight to the point: my gynae did transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed that the baby's heartbeat has stopped and the structure is abnormal. Also, I was already having brown discharge, it's a matter of time the miscarriage will happen. So we were given options to either wait for a miscarriage to happen naturally, to induce for a miscarriage or to undergo Dilation & Curettage (D&C). I listened calmly but once I stepped out of the clinic my tears rolled down immediately. Hubs hugged and said: it's okay, we're still young. After calming myself down, we decided to go for a second opinion since this is a crucial decision. To cut the story short, the second opinion echoed the first. So it was certain that we couldn't keep the baby.
On the way home, I thought about two call meetings that I was supposed to attend later the day and a report to be sent, I thought about those who already knew about my pregnancy, I thought about the confinement lady whom I have just booked, and I thought about the Taobao shopping for pregnancy clothes which was yet to arrive. Ahhh....all these and a decision to make on how to abort the fetus in my body. And I looked at my bloated stomach, still couldn't quite believe that there was no living sign inside there already. Just like that. Too much to think and I was so tired. During the second doctor visit, a confinement lady who was coming along with a new mother approached me and asked if this is my first pregnancy, how many months, and whether I need a confinement lady service. Really? This person has to appear in front of me at that moment to ask those questions?? What a plot. That doesn't end, we also met my husband's acquaintance in the clinic and she kindly wished that I am going to have a baby girl this time. Now you understand why I was tired. I told my husband that I just wanted to go home and sleep. We packed lunch and went home, After taking a bath, sending a few messages and emails for MC, I switched on the laptop and watched Hong Kong drama and I slept. The one simple way to distract myself and get some rest.
Woke up in the afternoon, I got myself together and decided to go for an operation the next day. After calling the doctor to make appointment, hubs suggested we should go out for a date night. The best way to motivate myself is to get up, dress up (well I didn't really dress up haha!) and make up!
Our night started with 3-course Hakka meal and ended with a nice Molten Lava from Naj and Belle. Over the dessert session, we talked about our feelings and exchanged our thoughts on losing the baby. I was glad that the doctors were professional and they didn't talk about the cause but the subsequent actions. I was also particularly glad that few days before this, when I was kinda worried, a doctor friend of mine shared that a lot of mothers tend to blame themselves for the loss, but actually sometimes it happens naturally when the body detects some problems in the fetus. This is how amazing our body is. To be entirely honest, I wasn't very sad but more of err....disappointed I think? I think I have done all I can as a mother and there is no need for self-blaming. After talking our hearts out, I felt much better (perhaps the molten lava helped too!) but at the same time, I started to feel cramps on my lower left abdomen. The pain increases when I got home and I discovered fresh red bleeding. The bleeding and the pain peaked up in about one hour's time but it was bearable and I suspected my body is working to protect me already. Luckily I went to the doctor before this happened, or I might scream when I see the bleeding. I took painkillers and tried to put myself to sleep as I need to be at the hospital at 8am the next day.
Today I arrived in the hospital and told the doctor about my symptoms last night. Doctor did a scanning and said the major parts of the fetus are no longer in the uterus. Wow! That's good to hear. So I don't need to undergo operation and just need to rest at home to monitor the bleeding. Such a positive outcome in this unfortunate event.
I am sharing this because I don't think miscarriage is a taboo nor something to be ashamed of. It brought me tears of joy and sadness but it also taught me some important life lessons. I will truly appreciate lives more than I already am and I am blessed to witness the amazing part of nature and how I was not hurt and was protected in this process. If you're experiencing this or had the same experience, cheers to you and I'm with you :) If you're still thinking about planning or delaying to have children, I need to let you know that there are so many things in life which we can control but not this one. If you work hard, you can slim down, you can get a decent job and pay, you can achieve so many things but having children is not something that is necessarily proportionate to your effort. Well, after all, I am still a mother with a great husband and the cutest boy ever! :D